“You do have a story; it lies articulate and waiting to be written behind your silence and your suffering..." - Anne Rice
A NOTE ON SUICIDAL IDEATION, AND DEPRESSION
I truly believe that no one wants to commit suicide, not one single person. How could that be? It's all in the whispers, in the convincing, the conniving, the lies, the deceit, the unhealed wounds, the trauma, the influence of that "demon" on your shoulder, and worst of all, it can also come from the people closest to them. Yes, I do believe that most people who want, try, or commit suicide, can also be influenced to do so by the people around them, either from their past, or even in their present.
For anyone who has those thoughts, seek help from people who are not in your close social circle, and who are not connected to the people in your close social circle, as you most likely have some people in there who are pushing those feelings on you, and it is often very hard to see, and understand. I am not a psychologist, I do not treat people with suicidal ideation unless they are already being treated by a medical doctor, or well educated mental health practitioner belonging to a reputable organization, and who have let go of the active desire to end their lives. But I do have valuable information to share regardless.
Also, those that do not believe in God are difficult to heal from this; for if people do not believe in an afterlife or surrender to a higher power, then it is hard to gain enough value for yourself and your life, to completely put this behind you. And my understanding of this illness is not good enough to be of help much for people who have not turned to God, for this mental illness, or any other, as a reminder. Believing in a higher power, faith in God, is one of the main things people can focus on when going through dark and troubling times. Seek help, suicide hotlines, group therapy, a registered mental health specialist, family doctor... You are not alone, many are in a similar situation, don't suffer by yourself! That is one of the worse things you can do, and also talking to the wrong people about it. If you found yourself there despite having people close to you, get away and have someone else help you, to get a different perspective on your life and surroundings. Of course, it is not always about someone close to you, your past and personal habits should be considered, but it can be, so proceed with caution.
“Life is about being and becoming, not having and getting...” – Stephanie Seabrook Hedgepath
Even if I can't help as much as I would like, I do empathize, and I offer these words at least. I have never made concrete plans to end my life, but I have prayed to God to take me back, out of here, many times. For a long time I was too close for comfort to that edge no one returns from. This world can be harsh, and I hope this is of help. You can start by typing in "suicidal ideation" in your web browser, and take the first steps away from it...
Keep in mind that all of our fears get externalized, and amplified. So in a way, we are the ones creating and sustaining hell, our personal hell, and the collective hell. When a person that has a lot of suffering from the past, many unresolved issues, starts going downhill in life, goals unachieved, hardships, then those fears can get exponentially amplified into their surroundings, especially when they still have abusive people around them. If you have no light left inside of you to hope for a better day, and no one in your surroundings is much better, well, things can get dark, fast.
“This life. This night. Your story. Your hope. It matters. All of it matters...” - Jamie Tworkowski
So, anyone who wants to die, who wants to commit suicide, have found themselves in a very bad, very dark, spiritual place. And could have people in their surroundings who want them to die, consciously or not, I know a bit too much on that. Harsh, perhaps, and maybe crying wolf, but, in such dire situations, you better not take chances. People with little grasp on life, any kind of energy they are strong enough to grow, to take a few steps, ask for help. Well, they need to make certain that that energy is not wasted on people who cannot help, don't care, or people who will make it worse even if that is not their intent. If you waste that precious energy of fighting for your life on the wrong people, you might feel betrayed, uncared for, rejected at the worst time of your life, and you might give up.
Again, as I believe in God, I say to other believers who find themselves here, that the first thing they can do, is to surrender themselves to God, ask for protection, and be willing to follow his command. Because they are also very likely to carry with them sins and guilt, shame, things they need to atone for, and around people who refuse God in their lives or have too many demons of their own.
I found out late in life that I was abused in various ways as a child, including some vague memories of sexual abuse that I was able to touch upon, remember, while doing a series of Ayahuasca healing ceremonies in South America. It took a lot of therapy, and many sessions with psychedelics and Ayahuasca, to uncover those long lost memory fragments, and to help heal the ones I already remembered.
I found out that many people who travel for long periods of time, seek alternative healing therapies, have a history of abuse in their childhood. And are often low in their desire to live, but have not given up, and are still willing to go to extremes to fight for their lives, to get it back, even if you have to pry it out of the deadly grasp of unrelenting abusers, past and present, like I did. Desires for life that had been stolen away from me in my childhood. As that is what abuse towards children does to them, before they even get a chance to manage life on their own. Their desire for life gets greatly lowered, often leading to depression and suicidal ideation as adults. Yes, you need to face the fact that some people around you might be aware, and don't want you to wake up and see the abuse of the past, or the present, for what it is. And yes, even to the point of wanting you dead, by your own hands, as a preferred outcome than them facing those things directly, a convenient sweep of the dirt under the rug.
"Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire..." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
But the people who want others dead, who want the secrets they hold against them gone, swept under the carpet, or buried 6 feet under, will do their best for them to not to be able to relieve themselves of that suffering, to keep them as victims of abuse, tormented, and silent. And without God, many will most likely fail to come back to the light, alive, loving, instead of just being functional enough to re-integrate back in society. Any attempt on their part to relieve that suffering, to face their abusers, will only make it worse for them if their abusers are still present, like facing a narcissist head on, when we are not strong enough to do so, they can crush us, and we might lose our minds, and stay with them. So, be very careful of who you surrender your power to, and who you share such "important news" with.
If you find yourself in this situation, don't tell anyone about your plans other than professionals who know how to deal with this, and seek God, become strong enough in God, before you get back to facing any of life's details. So I advise people who have suicidal ideation, about the same path for those who believe they are in a narcissistic relationship. And many people with suicidal ideation, might actually be in a narcissistic relationship, which is why they think dying is better that what they are going through. First, keep silent, learn about your surroundings, about the people in your environment, seek professional help, and don't confront anyone, don't let the devil know you are waking up from the suffering.
Remember that if you feel like dying, maybe there are not many people around you that support life, or, you don't know how to seek help from them, or, they are blind to what you are going through.
Otherwise you risk finding yourself in hell, with the same people who got you into that mess. Now, the spiritual laws of this world are more complicated; if you found yourself there, you could have been bound to your abusers even before this current life, spiritually. But the solution is the same, turn to God, repent, ask for forgiveness, seek therapy also, and be willing to follow the path he chooses for you, the path your heart is aching to go on, not the trauma bonded responses. Which might be hard, but it is the only way back to the light, to love.
Life can truly suck when you always rely on inconsistent and unreliable people, those who take hurting others as a sport to soothe their own internal suffering, like narcissists!
Depression and suicidal ideation have a strong link, and both are about being tired and exhausted of fighting unseen forces, feeling hopeless about it, and either giving up, or wanting the suffering to end, like, a lot! Again, look to your surroundings, most likely there were many battles from your childhood, with the same people, that are not resolved and are still being projected in your present, either to the same people, or on to others. These conditions are indeed about fighting demons of the past, wounds and trauma, and possibly from people who are still tormenting you without you even being aware of it. When there are obvious abusers around us, we often fight against them, engage in the unnecessary and hurtful battles, but when the abuse is hidden, like from covert narcissists, it often ends in depression and despair when we've had enough of the battles we don't even know we are fighting, or surrendering to. And massive amounts of betrayal and shame, being blamed, having the people closest to us appear indifferent to our suffering, doesn't help. Yes, blame, feeling responsible for other people's suffering, can take a heavy toll on us!
“Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for our feelings..." - Melody Beattie
Afraid to trust, not allowing yourself the vulnerability required to heal and love, not having learned how to defend yourself from abusive people, and most likely don't even know what an abusive person looks like, and that is why you keep attracting them! There are many reasons why people come to that stark realization, a feeling that nothing else but death will release them from suffering, again, I know what this feels like. When I decided to turn my life around, it took many years, that dark night of the soul, for me, was more like a dark decade. Not all the time, but way too many ups an downs, well, more downs than up.
Hang in there, you can make it!
Keep learning about narcissism, what constitutes abuse, abusive people... And keep in mind that some abusers are not even aware themselves, of how abusive they are, which becomes a very difficult situation to deal with, on both sides. Some people even abuse themselves without their knowledge. Like accepting a life of poverty is self abuse, not healing your past, not aiming high in life, addictions, unhealthy sexual habits, holding on to all sorts of desires with little means of making them happen, even perfectionism is self-abuse, I've suffered greatly for that one... Too much of all of this, anxiety, then depression, and if you avoid dealing with that properly, the darker side of depression of wanting to die, towards taking matters even further.
Maybe you have an addiction to feeling sorry for yourself, not feeling you deserve anything good, so that "good enough" feeling always eludes you? Not able to be satisfied, always prone to sabotage... So, perfectionism and feeling not good enough truly leads to death, death of any good feeling you have inside of yourself, death to self-esteem, death to self-worth...
When the people closest to you, are the ones hurting you most, then everyone becomes hurtful, in your mind, then what is the point of living? But that is not the truth of your situation, even if it feels that way. There is a whole other world beyond your immediate social circle, waiting for you to explore. If you are affected by depression, or have suicidal thoughts, you will need to find a way to expand your mind, and heart, beyond the limited scope of your surroundings. You are seeing darkness everywhere you look, it is because you are blind to the light that is beyond that darkness, and some people might be keeping you from doing that. And keep in mind, that narcissists attack a person's mind, their common sense, their ability to reason, and their ability to think straight, and also their ability to seek help, and to know when they need it. To a person with suicidal ideation, being in the grips of a narcissist, can be deadly, leading them to take their own lives.
“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start and make a brand new ending...” - Carl Bard
Abused people, those with their minds foggy and not grounded in reality, are the only people who will believe the lies and crap narcissists feed them, and that is why narcissists do that to their victims, because they know people with common sense cannot be fooled so easily. Just as a bully attacks those smaller, and weaker, narcissists are the same, except they go about their abuse differently. Very small people trying very hard to appear big and strong, inventing reality as they go along. Narcissists always attempt to deplete a person's ability to make it on their own, to even know they are abused, and keep hiding their abuse with all sorts of tricks and deception, not unlike hypnotists and magicians. Stay away, or die, one day at a time. There are many reasons why talking about the pains of being in narcissistic relationships is all the rage nowadays, we are finally understanding the sources of evil in our lives, the suffering that a minority of people are having on the rest of us, including driving a person towards suicide, as the final curtain call on a sordid tale of abuse and destruction.
Don't let that be you, please!
And if you know someone who is in this situation, point them towards proper care. Friends and family are not psychologists, they are not there to resolve deeper emotional and psychological problems for others. So don't allow yourself to be used in that way. Be there for them, but, not as a life preserver. Hold their hand, sure, however, it is to take them to a place where they can get proper help from, and do the same for yourself if needed!
Most importantly, it is okay to ask for help, and remember, better to ask for help from people who you trust and have a track record of offering good advice, or a professional, those that will be of better help than the ones who have failed to be there for you before, and can guide you through your recovery...
I truly believe that no one wants to commit suicide, not one single person. How could that be? It's all in the whispers, in the convincing, the conniving, the lies, the deceit, the unhealed wounds, the trauma, the influence of that "demon" on your shoulder, and worst of all, it can also come from the people closest to them. Yes, I do believe that most people who want, try, or commit suicide, can also be influenced to do so by the people around them, either from their past, or even in their present.
For anyone who has those thoughts, seek help from people who are not in your close social circle, and who are not connected to the people in your close social circle, as you most likely have some people in there who are pushing those feelings on you, and it is often very hard to see, and understand. I am not a psychologist, I do not treat people with suicidal ideation unless they are already being treated by a medical doctor, or well educated mental health practitioner belonging to a reputable organization, and who have let go of the active desire to end their lives. But I do have valuable information to share regardless.
Also, those that do not believe in God are difficult to heal from this; for if people do not believe in an afterlife or surrender to a higher power, then it is hard to gain enough value for yourself and your life, to completely put this behind you. And my understanding of this illness is not good enough to be of help much for people who have not turned to God, for this mental illness, or any other, as a reminder. Believing in a higher power, faith in God, is one of the main things people can focus on when going through dark and troubling times. Seek help, suicide hotlines, group therapy, a registered mental health specialist, family doctor... You are not alone, many are in a similar situation, don't suffer by yourself! That is one of the worse things you can do, and also talking to the wrong people about it. If you found yourself there despite having people close to you, get away and have someone else help you, to get a different perspective on your life and surroundings. Of course, it is not always about someone close to you, your past and personal habits should be considered, but it can be, so proceed with caution.
“Life is about being and becoming, not having and getting...” – Stephanie Seabrook Hedgepath
Even if I can't help as much as I would like, I do empathize, and I offer these words at least. I have never made concrete plans to end my life, but I have prayed to God to take me back, out of here, many times. For a long time I was too close for comfort to that edge no one returns from. This world can be harsh, and I hope this is of help. You can start by typing in "suicidal ideation" in your web browser, and take the first steps away from it...
Keep in mind that all of our fears get externalized, and amplified. So in a way, we are the ones creating and sustaining hell, our personal hell, and the collective hell. When a person that has a lot of suffering from the past, many unresolved issues, starts going downhill in life, goals unachieved, hardships, then those fears can get exponentially amplified into their surroundings, especially when they still have abusive people around them. If you have no light left inside of you to hope for a better day, and no one in your surroundings is much better, well, things can get dark, fast.
“This life. This night. Your story. Your hope. It matters. All of it matters...” - Jamie Tworkowski
So, anyone who wants to die, who wants to commit suicide, have found themselves in a very bad, very dark, spiritual place. And could have people in their surroundings who want them to die, consciously or not, I know a bit too much on that. Harsh, perhaps, and maybe crying wolf, but, in such dire situations, you better not take chances. People with little grasp on life, any kind of energy they are strong enough to grow, to take a few steps, ask for help. Well, they need to make certain that that energy is not wasted on people who cannot help, don't care, or people who will make it worse even if that is not their intent. If you waste that precious energy of fighting for your life on the wrong people, you might feel betrayed, uncared for, rejected at the worst time of your life, and you might give up.
Again, as I believe in God, I say to other believers who find themselves here, that the first thing they can do, is to surrender themselves to God, ask for protection, and be willing to follow his command. Because they are also very likely to carry with them sins and guilt, shame, things they need to atone for, and around people who refuse God in their lives or have too many demons of their own.
I found out late in life that I was abused in various ways as a child, including some vague memories of sexual abuse that I was able to touch upon, remember, while doing a series of Ayahuasca healing ceremonies in South America. It took a lot of therapy, and many sessions with psychedelics and Ayahuasca, to uncover those long lost memory fragments, and to help heal the ones I already remembered.
I found out that many people who travel for long periods of time, seek alternative healing therapies, have a history of abuse in their childhood. And are often low in their desire to live, but have not given up, and are still willing to go to extremes to fight for their lives, to get it back, even if you have to pry it out of the deadly grasp of unrelenting abusers, past and present, like I did. Desires for life that had been stolen away from me in my childhood. As that is what abuse towards children does to them, before they even get a chance to manage life on their own. Their desire for life gets greatly lowered, often leading to depression and suicidal ideation as adults. Yes, you need to face the fact that some people around you might be aware, and don't want you to wake up and see the abuse of the past, or the present, for what it is. And yes, even to the point of wanting you dead, by your own hands, as a preferred outcome than them facing those things directly, a convenient sweep of the dirt under the rug.
"Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire..." - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
But the people who want others dead, who want the secrets they hold against them gone, swept under the carpet, or buried 6 feet under, will do their best for them to not to be able to relieve themselves of that suffering, to keep them as victims of abuse, tormented, and silent. And without God, many will most likely fail to come back to the light, alive, loving, instead of just being functional enough to re-integrate back in society. Any attempt on their part to relieve that suffering, to face their abusers, will only make it worse for them if their abusers are still present, like facing a narcissist head on, when we are not strong enough to do so, they can crush us, and we might lose our minds, and stay with them. So, be very careful of who you surrender your power to, and who you share such "important news" with.
If you find yourself in this situation, don't tell anyone about your plans other than professionals who know how to deal with this, and seek God, become strong enough in God, before you get back to facing any of life's details. So I advise people who have suicidal ideation, about the same path for those who believe they are in a narcissistic relationship. And many people with suicidal ideation, might actually be in a narcissistic relationship, which is why they think dying is better that what they are going through. First, keep silent, learn about your surroundings, about the people in your environment, seek professional help, and don't confront anyone, don't let the devil know you are waking up from the suffering.
Remember that if you feel like dying, maybe there are not many people around you that support life, or, you don't know how to seek help from them, or, they are blind to what you are going through.
Otherwise you risk finding yourself in hell, with the same people who got you into that mess. Now, the spiritual laws of this world are more complicated; if you found yourself there, you could have been bound to your abusers even before this current life, spiritually. But the solution is the same, turn to God, repent, ask for forgiveness, seek therapy also, and be willing to follow the path he chooses for you, the path your heart is aching to go on, not the trauma bonded responses. Which might be hard, but it is the only way back to the light, to love.
Life can truly suck when you always rely on inconsistent and unreliable people, those who take hurting others as a sport to soothe their own internal suffering, like narcissists!
Depression and suicidal ideation have a strong link, and both are about being tired and exhausted of fighting unseen forces, feeling hopeless about it, and either giving up, or wanting the suffering to end, like, a lot! Again, look to your surroundings, most likely there were many battles from your childhood, with the same people, that are not resolved and are still being projected in your present, either to the same people, or on to others. These conditions are indeed about fighting demons of the past, wounds and trauma, and possibly from people who are still tormenting you without you even being aware of it. When there are obvious abusers around us, we often fight against them, engage in the unnecessary and hurtful battles, but when the abuse is hidden, like from covert narcissists, it often ends in depression and despair when we've had enough of the battles we don't even know we are fighting, or surrendering to. And massive amounts of betrayal and shame, being blamed, having the people closest to us appear indifferent to our suffering, doesn't help. Yes, blame, feeling responsible for other people's suffering, can take a heavy toll on us!
“Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for our feelings..." - Melody Beattie
Afraid to trust, not allowing yourself the vulnerability required to heal and love, not having learned how to defend yourself from abusive people, and most likely don't even know what an abusive person looks like, and that is why you keep attracting them! There are many reasons why people come to that stark realization, a feeling that nothing else but death will release them from suffering, again, I know what this feels like. When I decided to turn my life around, it took many years, that dark night of the soul, for me, was more like a dark decade. Not all the time, but way too many ups an downs, well, more downs than up.
Hang in there, you can make it!
Keep learning about narcissism, what constitutes abuse, abusive people... And keep in mind that some abusers are not even aware themselves, of how abusive they are, which becomes a very difficult situation to deal with, on both sides. Some people even abuse themselves without their knowledge. Like accepting a life of poverty is self abuse, not healing your past, not aiming high in life, addictions, unhealthy sexual habits, holding on to all sorts of desires with little means of making them happen, even perfectionism is self-abuse, I've suffered greatly for that one... Too much of all of this, anxiety, then depression, and if you avoid dealing with that properly, the darker side of depression of wanting to die, towards taking matters even further.
Maybe you have an addiction to feeling sorry for yourself, not feeling you deserve anything good, so that "good enough" feeling always eludes you? Not able to be satisfied, always prone to sabotage... So, perfectionism and feeling not good enough truly leads to death, death of any good feeling you have inside of yourself, death to self-esteem, death to self-worth...
When the people closest to you, are the ones hurting you most, then everyone becomes hurtful, in your mind, then what is the point of living? But that is not the truth of your situation, even if it feels that way. There is a whole other world beyond your immediate social circle, waiting for you to explore. If you are affected by depression, or have suicidal thoughts, you will need to find a way to expand your mind, and heart, beyond the limited scope of your surroundings. You are seeing darkness everywhere you look, it is because you are blind to the light that is beyond that darkness, and some people might be keeping you from doing that. And keep in mind, that narcissists attack a person's mind, their common sense, their ability to reason, and their ability to think straight, and also their ability to seek help, and to know when they need it. To a person with suicidal ideation, being in the grips of a narcissist, can be deadly, leading them to take their own lives.
“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start and make a brand new ending...” - Carl Bard
Abused people, those with their minds foggy and not grounded in reality, are the only people who will believe the lies and crap narcissists feed them, and that is why narcissists do that to their victims, because they know people with common sense cannot be fooled so easily. Just as a bully attacks those smaller, and weaker, narcissists are the same, except they go about their abuse differently. Very small people trying very hard to appear big and strong, inventing reality as they go along. Narcissists always attempt to deplete a person's ability to make it on their own, to even know they are abused, and keep hiding their abuse with all sorts of tricks and deception, not unlike hypnotists and magicians. Stay away, or die, one day at a time. There are many reasons why talking about the pains of being in narcissistic relationships is all the rage nowadays, we are finally understanding the sources of evil in our lives, the suffering that a minority of people are having on the rest of us, including driving a person towards suicide, as the final curtain call on a sordid tale of abuse and destruction.
Don't let that be you, please!
And if you know someone who is in this situation, point them towards proper care. Friends and family are not psychologists, they are not there to resolve deeper emotional and psychological problems for others. So don't allow yourself to be used in that way. Be there for them, but, not as a life preserver. Hold their hand, sure, however, it is to take them to a place where they can get proper help from, and do the same for yourself if needed!
Most importantly, it is okay to ask for help, and remember, better to ask for help from people who you trust and have a track record of offering good advice, or a professional, those that will be of better help than the ones who have failed to be there for you before, and can guide you through your recovery...