"Perfectionism rarely begets perfection, or satisfaction - only disappointment... " - Ryan Holiday
FROM PERFECTIONISM TO DISAPPOINTMENT, AND NOTHING IN BETWEEN
The story of my life, in a very imperfect nutshell, and the life of many others...
From childhood, my dad made me feel that nothing could ever please him, so I ended up with a life that could never please me either, as I was stuck in that place, stuck between perfectionism and disappointment. And since my mother passed away when I was four, my dad was my only parental figure to look up to. I eventually found out that there was nothing in between those two extremes, anyway, nothing real or lasting. My pattern was all about coming up with an "epic" idea, something that would surely win the approval of even the most discerning and difficult people to impress, and work tirelessly towards it. It would always fail eventually, then I got depressed, I felt disappointed in myself, I felt I could never achieve anything important no matter how hard I tried. Until I got another bright idea, even better than the last, and again, it failed to manifest according to my stringent expectations. I continuously sabotaged myself, I could not sustain the momentum, and on and on it went for a very long time.
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success...” - Michael Law
And I was deadly afraid of making mistakes, so much fear of hurting anyone, and also a fear of success because I have had a lot of people around me very jealous of anything that they didn't have, and could become very cruel and hurtful if there was any sign of me surpassing them. And by the way, these traits are some of the things narcissists look for in their victims, especially the tremendous fear of causing harm to others, as those are often the only safe people narcissists feel comfortable being around, since they are so vulnerable to pain or further abuse. And getting stuck in between the fear of failure, and the fear of success, is a truly maddening experience. For a time, I was seriously thinking of taking a nice long vacation in a very white, and very sanitized, room, somewhere far away from anything that could make me try to reach for success ever again.
Perfectionism will constantly drive you to death, obsessing over details instead of living life, running away from an empty feeling that nothing can ever soothe...
It wasn't until I truly started to understand that I was hopeless in a way, realizing that I was condemned to repeat the same mistakes until I learned what was wrong within me, that my healing journey started. In that sense, perfectionism, as well as being stuck in trauma, can be like a lifelong Groundhog day, a curse with no end, again, until you get a good reality check, and seek life and love above all else.
This reality check took a long time to settle in though, and it also took a long time to resolve the many issues I had, the better part of 10 years, from the first big reality check I had while attending my first 10 day silent meditation retreat back in 2015, to today. And throughout my life, since I was in a way abusing myself as that is what perfectionism is, and other such psychological and spiritual ailments, and too busy going from one extreme to the other without realizing how hopeless I was. Well, I had unknowingly invited many abusers into my life, happy to see one epic failure after another, and contributing to my misery. Not to say that all abusers do this knowingly, some do, and some don't, but either way, they are attracted to scenes of crimes such as one of a person abusing themselves, and are more than willing to contribute their fair share of misery. It is indeed a spiritual crime to abuse oneself, and we all do this in one form or another.
"Extreme hopes are born from extreme misery..." - Bertrand Russell
Evil is attracted to perfectionists, they are so easily misled, and they always blame themselves for their failures, not being good enough, not learning, things will be better "next time". But the next time will always have the same result, because the recipe does not change, the "soufflé" will never rise for a perfectionist because he/she forgets that life must breathe air into whatever the perfectionist is trying to achieve, and there is no room for life, no room for love, as those things cannot be controlled, and anything that the perfectionist cannot control, is way too scary to even touch.
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight...” - Brené Brown
Stuck in between those two extremes, you will never find God, you will never find meaning, and you will never find your true self. You are, and will remain, a pawn to evil. And with the weight of evil on your shoulders, your soul will forever remain stuck on this planet. And of course, the main, and most dreadful of secrets of the perfectionist, is for anyone to find out that they are actually not perfect... The deadly twist in the irony.
"It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels..." - Saint Augustine
And pride has a big part to play in perfectionism, and pride will always keep you grounded, spiritually speaking, and will always make you vulnerable to narcissists also, or potentially becoming one yourself. And isn't humility something that is absent from the vocabulary of the narcissist, as much as for the perfectionist? I used to be highly critical of pretty much everything, judgmental as any perfectionist, but I kept most of it to myself, I had enough sense not to burden people around me with those things roaming around in my head. But the pressure on myself and others could be felt at times, I followed in the same footsteps as my dad, pleased by hardly anything. And I was constantly aiming for the next big thing, then falling flat on my face and depressed, with the inevitable conclusion that all of my goals were being horribly missed.
I tried so hard to remain stoic in the face of my inner turmoil, like my dad taught me. And that is how a false self gets created, a false self denying the accumulation of pain, denying the important trauma and wounds of childhood, denying life and love, and any authenticity. That false self grew and grew, a bubble waiting to blow up, a craziness that I could not keep quiet, which is the main reason I ran away from "home" in 2016. I felt, if I was going to blow up, I needed to be far away from anyone I knew. Again, as some of my worst fears were of hurting anyone and appearing imperfect, if I was going to go crazy, I should at least have the decency to not involve anyone else. And that is quite contrary to the narcissist, who brings everyone down with the sinking ship, at least that gave me a little bit of hope to not completely fall into the dark abyss, one string to hold on to.
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.” - Anne Lamott
I was fueled by pain, fires behind, fires to my left, fires to my right, and trying to outrun the heat of the flames. Surrendering seemed like death, and I didn't know what I was aiming for, or what I was running away from, so what would I surrender to, or from, anyway?
I wrote my first three books starting from a rock bottom place in my life, while learning about my own way out of that hole. If not for my belief and desire to join God, I would have never made it this far. Perfectionism, or the constant aim for goals that I could never reach, was the only thing that kept me going from one day to the next until then, an indescribable and unattainable hope for a one day things will be better scenario. Until I had reached what I thought was an impasse, as if I had tried pretty much everything, and realized that starting yet another thing was utterly futile. That is when everything crashed around me, and it took the better part of 10 years to deconstruct this odd person I had become, while figuring out, and aiming for, a realistic goal that made sense to me. While creating a better self, or I should say returning to my essence, on that journey. Of course, a healthy sense of self while being well adapted to your current existence is something the perfectionist knows nothing about, otherwise he/she would stop seeking perfection, if their lives made enough sense to them.
“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is...” - Ramani Durvasula
If you can't see how much perfectionism is linked to an insatiable desire to win the approval of people from your past, and potentially the same people lingering in your present, look harder... Never enough is the mantra of the victims of narcissists, and is obviously the driving force behind perfectionism also.
When you suffer from perfectionism, you never truly start anything, because anything you start is already condemned to failure, as nothing can ever satisfy the perfectionist. Well, I should say nothing can ever satisfy the people the perfectionist is trying to satisfy, as for sure, for the perfectionist, it is never about satisfying him/herself. And trying to satisfy anyone through yourself is always an endeavor condemned to failure, and the same goes for whatever the narcissist is ultimately trying to get from his/her victims. So nothing can ever truly be finished, so nothing can satisfy, and being satisfied of your work is paramount to have peace in your heart about what you do, and what you don't do. To a perfectionist, nothing makes sense, as that is what they desperately try to reach for, something that makes sense to them, or satisfies their ghosts, something that matters. But at the end of the day, they do not make sense to themselves, so nothing else will make sense as long as they don’t figure that out.
“Perfectionism sucks the air out of your uniqueness and leaves you empty, away from who you could become...” - Darryl Stewart
If God had waited for this place to be perfect, we would have no home to grow in, as nothing here is perfect, and it must be accepted as such. Imagine someone stuck with perfectionism contemplating making a whole world? They would be frozen in time forever for the weight of all the details that cannot be controlled. As for a perfectionist, all the details must be within their control, it is the only way they can manage to step forward, because they are too filled with fears of failure to let the details slip their grasp. Then they do not let life take its course, as life is full of uncertainties, a dreadful prospect for the perfectionist, so is allowing themselves to fall in love, as love itself is a mystery that cannot be controlled. So again, God will remain unknown to the perfectionist, as there is no wiggle room for him to visit the darkness that exists between perfection, and disappointment, the two main states of being where the perfectionist spends his/her time in, far from life.
So perfectionism leads to disappointment, to bitterness and resentment, to us rejecting ourselves, to abandoning hope, to depression, until we find something else to fixate on, which will always lead back to the same cycles, to despair... It is blindness of the highest order, an insatiable quest to impress the un-impressable people of our past, the shadow we keep living behind. Until we figure out what, and who, we need to let go of, and that includes our false self sitting in the driver's seat of our life.
"Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again..." - Julia Cameron
Singing, dancing, playing like children, arts, love, music, all of what makes life worthwhile remain inaccessible to the perfectionist, which also leads to narcissism, as all of those things are imperfect, not contained within the box of perfection where the perfectionist lives. So for many of these reasons, the perfectionist makes a good bed partner to the narcissist, unfortunately I know that all too well.
Perfectionism is about placing the ghosts of your past into unattainable goals hoping that they will be happy for once in their miserable "life", resulting in shame and guilt for not being able to quiet their aches and pains, then surrendering to bitterness and resentment, then depression and apathy, until you grow enough strength to start the battle all over again. Some people achieve their goals, in their own minds at least, but the celebration doesn’t last very long, then they find themselves looking for another mountain to climb, or become workaholics, never satisfied.
Look to your past, heal what is there, or maybe there are mysteries in your childhood you are not even aware of, or too afraid to face. Perfectionists, workaholics, those addicted, depressed, it is about your childhood, your relationships with your parents, siblings, family, friends, teachers… Very rarely do the major problems in an adult's life come from things beyond their childhood. So perfectionism is a lot about charging into battles, incessantly moving forward, while ignoring the real causes of our pain.
Unfortunately the main source of my perfectionism had to die, before I could understand and face why my life was going around in circles. Nothing ever satisfying me, nothing ever making sense, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many mountains I climbed. Until then, it remained an unresolvable riddle, a problem without a solution, because I was always looking in the wrong direction to solve it.
“Perfectionism is internalized oppression...” - Gloria Steinem
It was indeed about internalized oppression from my childhood, of trying to please someone who didn't have the capacity to be pleased with anything. And I couldn't break that cycle until the source of it was buried six feet under, I didn't give myself the permission to face it as it was, because it felt like a betrayal to see the truth of it. Isn't that the case with parental/authority figures? We believe that respect and honor overshadows pain and suffering? When you don't allow yourself the permission to have your trauma bubble to the surface, to be able to formulate the proper words to it, to speak out, then it will remain in the shadows, in hell, in unresolvable mysteries, parts of your psyche you disown because you refuse to see the pain they are holding.
And that is what narcissists do to their victims, to make them feel it is the ultimate betrayal to see anything they do as abusive.
“Perfectionism is the belief that something is broken — you. So you dress up your brokenness with degrees, achievements, accolades, pieces of paper, none of which can fix what you think you are fixing..." - Edith Eger
Yes, perfectionists think they are broken, deeply broken, part of what they are trying to fix, so did I. And narcissists think there is nothing broken in them, but in everyone else. So you end up proving that you are broken, by never reaching any satisfiable goal, by never being perfect. Then those broken and suffering parts of your psyche chase you, and you run away from them in all sorts of places, including perfectionism and depression, or jealousy, or resentment, apathy, drugs and alcohol, bad habits and bad relationships...
To avoid their suffering, we often make our lives worse than the suffering they contain, right?
We find friends and relationships, and habits, worse so that we can avoid the pain. Like hitting your right index finger with a hammer, because you are tired of feeling a thorn in your left index finger and don't know what to do about it, or waiting on someone else to fix it, that never comes. Perfectionism and other such illnesses, kind of like that, you cause yourself worse suffering to deflect your attention away from the suffering you refuse to face, or the people having caused it. Why else would someone surrender to addictions? Because to them, that suffering is lesser than what they are not facing inside, but it reality, it's worse and much longer lasting. So consider that all suffering you surrender to, is hiding something else in the background.
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order..." - Anne Wilson Schaef
One important thing to keep in mind: Is that we often don't want to see ourselves as someone hobbled by the abuse of our past, or from the people in our present environment. That might be one of the hardest things to accept, that you are not as strong as you think you are, and some people hurt you more than you realize, or are willing to accept. But that false veneer must be cast aside in order to heal. Narcissists are notorious for not accepting themselves as abusers, or as people that have suffered greatly in their past, or wear that abuse as a shield of "honor". They are at the extreme position of this illness, and perfectionism is not so far behind it.
Narcissism and perfectionism is all about pain avoidance, and finding targets and goals to extend, and hide, their suffering into. For narcissists, they seek out victims, and perfectionists, goals, more or less the same. Except that for the narcissist, to heal, they will need to start accepting that they have hurt many, seeing themselves as the same as the abusers who hurt them, which is much harder to get over. To see yourself turned into the very person that hurt you the most, again, that is what narcissists need to face, and which is why they hardly ever come out of it, not an easy thing to do; to become your own worst nightmare, and accept yourself as such, while actively hurting people the same as you have been hurt when you were most vulnerable.
Both the narcissist and the perfectionist hold a tremendous amount of hope for something they cannot allow to happen for various reasons, a release from their suffering, because they both hold a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, and believe they deserve what they get. Something the narcissist tries desperately to cast into their victims, and hide those feelings even from themselves, actually, so does the perfectionist.
And perfectionists often end up causing a lot of suffering, as with narcissists, though for narcissists the suffering is often the goal, while for perfectionists it is collateral damage for the wars that are going on inside of them. Perfectionists are afraid of their own thoughts, that is why they keep projecting themselves into their "perfect" works, or goals.
“Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough..." - Julia Cameron
There is more hope for the perfectionist to come out of their pain than for the narcissist, it can be a long struggle, but like with any illness, you must be willing to take the small steps out of your pain, to face the reality of your past the way it was, not the way you remember it, or the way you want to see it. Cast aside any notion of allegiances and blind respect, and learn how to trust yourself once again.
The story of my life, in a very imperfect nutshell, and the life of many others...
From childhood, my dad made me feel that nothing could ever please him, so I ended up with a life that could never please me either, as I was stuck in that place, stuck between perfectionism and disappointment. And since my mother passed away when I was four, my dad was my only parental figure to look up to. I eventually found out that there was nothing in between those two extremes, anyway, nothing real or lasting. My pattern was all about coming up with an "epic" idea, something that would surely win the approval of even the most discerning and difficult people to impress, and work tirelessly towards it. It would always fail eventually, then I got depressed, I felt disappointed in myself, I felt I could never achieve anything important no matter how hard I tried. Until I got another bright idea, even better than the last, and again, it failed to manifest according to my stringent expectations. I continuously sabotaged myself, I could not sustain the momentum, and on and on it went for a very long time.
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success...” - Michael Law
And I was deadly afraid of making mistakes, so much fear of hurting anyone, and also a fear of success because I have had a lot of people around me very jealous of anything that they didn't have, and could become very cruel and hurtful if there was any sign of me surpassing them. And by the way, these traits are some of the things narcissists look for in their victims, especially the tremendous fear of causing harm to others, as those are often the only safe people narcissists feel comfortable being around, since they are so vulnerable to pain or further abuse. And getting stuck in between the fear of failure, and the fear of success, is a truly maddening experience. For a time, I was seriously thinking of taking a nice long vacation in a very white, and very sanitized, room, somewhere far away from anything that could make me try to reach for success ever again.
Perfectionism will constantly drive you to death, obsessing over details instead of living life, running away from an empty feeling that nothing can ever soothe...
It wasn't until I truly started to understand that I was hopeless in a way, realizing that I was condemned to repeat the same mistakes until I learned what was wrong within me, that my healing journey started. In that sense, perfectionism, as well as being stuck in trauma, can be like a lifelong Groundhog day, a curse with no end, again, until you get a good reality check, and seek life and love above all else.
This reality check took a long time to settle in though, and it also took a long time to resolve the many issues I had, the better part of 10 years, from the first big reality check I had while attending my first 10 day silent meditation retreat back in 2015, to today. And throughout my life, since I was in a way abusing myself as that is what perfectionism is, and other such psychological and spiritual ailments, and too busy going from one extreme to the other without realizing how hopeless I was. Well, I had unknowingly invited many abusers into my life, happy to see one epic failure after another, and contributing to my misery. Not to say that all abusers do this knowingly, some do, and some don't, but either way, they are attracted to scenes of crimes such as one of a person abusing themselves, and are more than willing to contribute their fair share of misery. It is indeed a spiritual crime to abuse oneself, and we all do this in one form or another.
"Extreme hopes are born from extreme misery..." - Bertrand Russell
Evil is attracted to perfectionists, they are so easily misled, and they always blame themselves for their failures, not being good enough, not learning, things will be better "next time". But the next time will always have the same result, because the recipe does not change, the "soufflé" will never rise for a perfectionist because he/she forgets that life must breathe air into whatever the perfectionist is trying to achieve, and there is no room for life, no room for love, as those things cannot be controlled, and anything that the perfectionist cannot control, is way too scary to even touch.
“Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight...” - Brené Brown
Stuck in between those two extremes, you will never find God, you will never find meaning, and you will never find your true self. You are, and will remain, a pawn to evil. And with the weight of evil on your shoulders, your soul will forever remain stuck on this planet. And of course, the main, and most dreadful of secrets of the perfectionist, is for anyone to find out that they are actually not perfect... The deadly twist in the irony.
"It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels..." - Saint Augustine
And pride has a big part to play in perfectionism, and pride will always keep you grounded, spiritually speaking, and will always make you vulnerable to narcissists also, or potentially becoming one yourself. And isn't humility something that is absent from the vocabulary of the narcissist, as much as for the perfectionist? I used to be highly critical of pretty much everything, judgmental as any perfectionist, but I kept most of it to myself, I had enough sense not to burden people around me with those things roaming around in my head. But the pressure on myself and others could be felt at times, I followed in the same footsteps as my dad, pleased by hardly anything. And I was constantly aiming for the next big thing, then falling flat on my face and depressed, with the inevitable conclusion that all of my goals were being horribly missed.
I tried so hard to remain stoic in the face of my inner turmoil, like my dad taught me. And that is how a false self gets created, a false self denying the accumulation of pain, denying the important trauma and wounds of childhood, denying life and love, and any authenticity. That false self grew and grew, a bubble waiting to blow up, a craziness that I could not keep quiet, which is the main reason I ran away from "home" in 2016. I felt, if I was going to blow up, I needed to be far away from anyone I knew. Again, as some of my worst fears were of hurting anyone and appearing imperfect, if I was going to go crazy, I should at least have the decency to not involve anyone else. And that is quite contrary to the narcissist, who brings everyone down with the sinking ship, at least that gave me a little bit of hope to not completely fall into the dark abyss, one string to hold on to.
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.” - Anne Lamott
I was fueled by pain, fires behind, fires to my left, fires to my right, and trying to outrun the heat of the flames. Surrendering seemed like death, and I didn't know what I was aiming for, or what I was running away from, so what would I surrender to, or from, anyway?
I wrote my first three books starting from a rock bottom place in my life, while learning about my own way out of that hole. If not for my belief and desire to join God, I would have never made it this far. Perfectionism, or the constant aim for goals that I could never reach, was the only thing that kept me going from one day to the next until then, an indescribable and unattainable hope for a one day things will be better scenario. Until I had reached what I thought was an impasse, as if I had tried pretty much everything, and realized that starting yet another thing was utterly futile. That is when everything crashed around me, and it took the better part of 10 years to deconstruct this odd person I had become, while figuring out, and aiming for, a realistic goal that made sense to me. While creating a better self, or I should say returning to my essence, on that journey. Of course, a healthy sense of self while being well adapted to your current existence is something the perfectionist knows nothing about, otherwise he/she would stop seeking perfection, if their lives made enough sense to them.
“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up. The phrase “I never feel like I am enough” is the mantra of the person in the narcissistic relationship. That’s because to your narcissistic partner, you are not. No one is. Nothing is...” - Ramani Durvasula
If you can't see how much perfectionism is linked to an insatiable desire to win the approval of people from your past, and potentially the same people lingering in your present, look harder... Never enough is the mantra of the victims of narcissists, and is obviously the driving force behind perfectionism also.
When you suffer from perfectionism, you never truly start anything, because anything you start is already condemned to failure, as nothing can ever satisfy the perfectionist. Well, I should say nothing can ever satisfy the people the perfectionist is trying to satisfy, as for sure, for the perfectionist, it is never about satisfying him/herself. And trying to satisfy anyone through yourself is always an endeavor condemned to failure, and the same goes for whatever the narcissist is ultimately trying to get from his/her victims. So nothing can ever truly be finished, so nothing can satisfy, and being satisfied of your work is paramount to have peace in your heart about what you do, and what you don't do. To a perfectionist, nothing makes sense, as that is what they desperately try to reach for, something that makes sense to them, or satisfies their ghosts, something that matters. But at the end of the day, they do not make sense to themselves, so nothing else will make sense as long as they don’t figure that out.
“Perfectionism sucks the air out of your uniqueness and leaves you empty, away from who you could become...” - Darryl Stewart
If God had waited for this place to be perfect, we would have no home to grow in, as nothing here is perfect, and it must be accepted as such. Imagine someone stuck with perfectionism contemplating making a whole world? They would be frozen in time forever for the weight of all the details that cannot be controlled. As for a perfectionist, all the details must be within their control, it is the only way they can manage to step forward, because they are too filled with fears of failure to let the details slip their grasp. Then they do not let life take its course, as life is full of uncertainties, a dreadful prospect for the perfectionist, so is allowing themselves to fall in love, as love itself is a mystery that cannot be controlled. So again, God will remain unknown to the perfectionist, as there is no wiggle room for him to visit the darkness that exists between perfection, and disappointment, the two main states of being where the perfectionist spends his/her time in, far from life.
So perfectionism leads to disappointment, to bitterness and resentment, to us rejecting ourselves, to abandoning hope, to depression, until we find something else to fixate on, which will always lead back to the same cycles, to despair... It is blindness of the highest order, an insatiable quest to impress the un-impressable people of our past, the shadow we keep living behind. Until we figure out what, and who, we need to let go of, and that includes our false self sitting in the driver's seat of our life.
"Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough - that we should try again..." - Julia Cameron
Singing, dancing, playing like children, arts, love, music, all of what makes life worthwhile remain inaccessible to the perfectionist, which also leads to narcissism, as all of those things are imperfect, not contained within the box of perfection where the perfectionist lives. So for many of these reasons, the perfectionist makes a good bed partner to the narcissist, unfortunately I know that all too well.
Perfectionism is about placing the ghosts of your past into unattainable goals hoping that they will be happy for once in their miserable "life", resulting in shame and guilt for not being able to quiet their aches and pains, then surrendering to bitterness and resentment, then depression and apathy, until you grow enough strength to start the battle all over again. Some people achieve their goals, in their own minds at least, but the celebration doesn’t last very long, then they find themselves looking for another mountain to climb, or become workaholics, never satisfied.
Look to your past, heal what is there, or maybe there are mysteries in your childhood you are not even aware of, or too afraid to face. Perfectionists, workaholics, those addicted, depressed, it is about your childhood, your relationships with your parents, siblings, family, friends, teachers… Very rarely do the major problems in an adult's life come from things beyond their childhood. So perfectionism is a lot about charging into battles, incessantly moving forward, while ignoring the real causes of our pain.
Unfortunately the main source of my perfectionism had to die, before I could understand and face why my life was going around in circles. Nothing ever satisfying me, nothing ever making sense, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many mountains I climbed. Until then, it remained an unresolvable riddle, a problem without a solution, because I was always looking in the wrong direction to solve it.
“Perfectionism is internalized oppression...” - Gloria Steinem
It was indeed about internalized oppression from my childhood, of trying to please someone who didn't have the capacity to be pleased with anything. And I couldn't break that cycle until the source of it was buried six feet under, I didn't give myself the permission to face it as it was, because it felt like a betrayal to see the truth of it. Isn't that the case with parental/authority figures? We believe that respect and honor overshadows pain and suffering? When you don't allow yourself the permission to have your trauma bubble to the surface, to be able to formulate the proper words to it, to speak out, then it will remain in the shadows, in hell, in unresolvable mysteries, parts of your psyche you disown because you refuse to see the pain they are holding.
And that is what narcissists do to their victims, to make them feel it is the ultimate betrayal to see anything they do as abusive.
“Perfectionism is the belief that something is broken — you. So you dress up your brokenness with degrees, achievements, accolades, pieces of paper, none of which can fix what you think you are fixing..." - Edith Eger
Yes, perfectionists think they are broken, deeply broken, part of what they are trying to fix, so did I. And narcissists think there is nothing broken in them, but in everyone else. So you end up proving that you are broken, by never reaching any satisfiable goal, by never being perfect. Then those broken and suffering parts of your psyche chase you, and you run away from them in all sorts of places, including perfectionism and depression, or jealousy, or resentment, apathy, drugs and alcohol, bad habits and bad relationships...
To avoid their suffering, we often make our lives worse than the suffering they contain, right?
We find friends and relationships, and habits, worse so that we can avoid the pain. Like hitting your right index finger with a hammer, because you are tired of feeling a thorn in your left index finger and don't know what to do about it, or waiting on someone else to fix it, that never comes. Perfectionism and other such illnesses, kind of like that, you cause yourself worse suffering to deflect your attention away from the suffering you refuse to face, or the people having caused it. Why else would someone surrender to addictions? Because to them, that suffering is lesser than what they are not facing inside, but it reality, it's worse and much longer lasting. So consider that all suffering you surrender to, is hiding something else in the background.
“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order..." - Anne Wilson Schaef
One important thing to keep in mind: Is that we often don't want to see ourselves as someone hobbled by the abuse of our past, or from the people in our present environment. That might be one of the hardest things to accept, that you are not as strong as you think you are, and some people hurt you more than you realize, or are willing to accept. But that false veneer must be cast aside in order to heal. Narcissists are notorious for not accepting themselves as abusers, or as people that have suffered greatly in their past, or wear that abuse as a shield of "honor". They are at the extreme position of this illness, and perfectionism is not so far behind it.
Narcissism and perfectionism is all about pain avoidance, and finding targets and goals to extend, and hide, their suffering into. For narcissists, they seek out victims, and perfectionists, goals, more or less the same. Except that for the narcissist, to heal, they will need to start accepting that they have hurt many, seeing themselves as the same as the abusers who hurt them, which is much harder to get over. To see yourself turned into the very person that hurt you the most, again, that is what narcissists need to face, and which is why they hardly ever come out of it, not an easy thing to do; to become your own worst nightmare, and accept yourself as such, while actively hurting people the same as you have been hurt when you were most vulnerable.
Both the narcissist and the perfectionist hold a tremendous amount of hope for something they cannot allow to happen for various reasons, a release from their suffering, because they both hold a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, and believe they deserve what they get. Something the narcissist tries desperately to cast into their victims, and hide those feelings even from themselves, actually, so does the perfectionist.
And perfectionists often end up causing a lot of suffering, as with narcissists, though for narcissists the suffering is often the goal, while for perfectionists it is collateral damage for the wars that are going on inside of them. Perfectionists are afraid of their own thoughts, that is why they keep projecting themselves into their "perfect" works, or goals.
“Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough..." - Julia Cameron
There is more hope for the perfectionist to come out of their pain than for the narcissist, it can be a long struggle, but like with any illness, you must be willing to take the small steps out of your pain, to face the reality of your past the way it was, not the way you remember it, or the way you want to see it. Cast aside any notion of allegiances and blind respect, and learn how to trust yourself once again.