“Narcissists have poorly regulated self-esteem, so they are chronically vulnerable. If they are vulnerable then there is the threat that they may get found out, so they often maintain a grandiose exterior. Because they always measure themselves by other people, they also measure themselves against other people. They are chronically reliant on the opinions of others to form their own sense of self and are always comparing themselves, their status, their possessions and their lives to other people to determine their sense of worth and self-esteem (in a way, narcissists outsource their sense of self)..." - Dr. Ramani Durvasula
NARCISSISM IS A VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESS
THAT WE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO ISOLATE AND TREAT, ERADICATE IT FROM OUR SOCIETY
Narcissism, along with other dark triads personalities, is a mental illness, and it spreads. People who are around narcissists for any extended periods of time, develop a similar mental illness, and their minds stop working for their own best interests. Their grasp on reality fades away, normal things they used to enjoy change, they start doubting themselves more and more, they don't feel things as much as they used to, their inner moral compass becomes confused and misguided, their sense of self and identity fade away, and their notions of common sense become lesser.
DARK SPECTRUM DISORDER (DSD)
And narcissistic people, and those other dark triad folks, psychopathy and Machiavellianism, and I would add sadism and sociopathy, make very poor and abusive parents. I think we should refer to these illnesses as the "dark spectrum", and make dealing with this our top priority, as any advanced and caring civilization should. They end up raising children with a host of life depriving trauma, that they get stuck trying to deal with in their adult lives, and many never overcome those challenges.
Depression, addictions, suicidal ideology, ADHD, anxiety, obesity, lack of meaning and common sense, immune and nerve disorders, constant living in fight or flight... Many of these illnesses start in childhood, when a person's nervous system is constantly on high alert, and children's minds do not expand beyond dealing with immediate and foreboding threats. Even if those threats are not perceived with the children's conscious mind, subconsciously, living with people, especially authority figures and caregivers, on the dark spectrum will without a doubt have serious consequences for the child's proper development, and their ability to fend off all sorts of physical, psychological, and emotional illnesses. Their systems get stuck looking for problems and threats, endless cycles of negativity, rather than living a life that is meaningful and purposeful to them.
Those on this dark spectrum create a big cancer to our society, they are preventing our spiritual nature, love and compassion, from taking over for a better future for all of us. These are the most abusive people whom we should not allow to have children (or in authority positions), not until they do therapy and heal from those illnesses. They are ruining the world by breaking the innate love and kindness of children before they even have a chance to fend for themselves, they then become ill functioning adults taking the world down the same path.
"I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse..." - M. Scott Peck
If you are around someone with a mental illness, and they don't know they have a mental illness, and you don't know they have a mental illness, you will get their mental illness, plain and simple. Therapists who help people with mental illnesses, they know who they are dealing with, and they protect themselves from falling into those illnesses, mostly. You can hardly ever lead someone "up" into mental and emotional wellness, unless they know where they are, and they want to improve for their own wellbeing. Narcissists do not know they are unwell, we must figure out a better way to deal with this serious condition. Anyone with mental illnesses, narcissists and this potentially foreseeable "Dark Spectrum Disorder (DSD)" included, will always take people down with them. And they don't simply take prisoners, they turn prisoners into worst versions of themselves, on a global scale. I think we should consider narcissism and dark personalities as the worst pandemic we have ever faced.
THAT WE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO ISOLATE AND TREAT, ERADICATE IT FROM OUR SOCIETY
Narcissism, along with other dark triads personalities, is a mental illness, and it spreads. People who are around narcissists for any extended periods of time, develop a similar mental illness, and their minds stop working for their own best interests. Their grasp on reality fades away, normal things they used to enjoy change, they start doubting themselves more and more, they don't feel things as much as they used to, their inner moral compass becomes confused and misguided, their sense of self and identity fade away, and their notions of common sense become lesser.
DARK SPECTRUM DISORDER (DSD)
And narcissistic people, and those other dark triad folks, psychopathy and Machiavellianism, and I would add sadism and sociopathy, make very poor and abusive parents. I think we should refer to these illnesses as the "dark spectrum", and make dealing with this our top priority, as any advanced and caring civilization should. They end up raising children with a host of life depriving trauma, that they get stuck trying to deal with in their adult lives, and many never overcome those challenges.
Depression, addictions, suicidal ideology, ADHD, anxiety, obesity, lack of meaning and common sense, immune and nerve disorders, constant living in fight or flight... Many of these illnesses start in childhood, when a person's nervous system is constantly on high alert, and children's minds do not expand beyond dealing with immediate and foreboding threats. Even if those threats are not perceived with the children's conscious mind, subconsciously, living with people, especially authority figures and caregivers, on the dark spectrum will without a doubt have serious consequences for the child's proper development, and their ability to fend off all sorts of physical, psychological, and emotional illnesses. Their systems get stuck looking for problems and threats, endless cycles of negativity, rather than living a life that is meaningful and purposeful to them.
Those on this dark spectrum create a big cancer to our society, they are preventing our spiritual nature, love and compassion, from taking over for a better future for all of us. These are the most abusive people whom we should not allow to have children (or in authority positions), not until they do therapy and heal from those illnesses. They are ruining the world by breaking the innate love and kindness of children before they even have a chance to fend for themselves, they then become ill functioning adults taking the world down the same path.
"I know now that one of the characteristics of evil is its desire to confuse..." - M. Scott Peck
If you are around someone with a mental illness, and they don't know they have a mental illness, and you don't know they have a mental illness, you will get their mental illness, plain and simple. Therapists who help people with mental illnesses, they know who they are dealing with, and they protect themselves from falling into those illnesses, mostly. You can hardly ever lead someone "up" into mental and emotional wellness, unless they know where they are, and they want to improve for their own wellbeing. Narcissists do not know they are unwell, we must figure out a better way to deal with this serious condition. Anyone with mental illnesses, narcissists and this potentially foreseeable "Dark Spectrum Disorder (DSD)" included, will always take people down with them. And they don't simply take prisoners, they turn prisoners into worst versions of themselves, on a global scale. I think we should consider narcissism and dark personalities as the worst pandemic we have ever faced.
NARCISSISTS: PROBLEMS WITH NO SOLUTIONS
To put yourself in the shoes of a narcissist for a while, think of a computer that was programmed to resolve all problems you fed it, and also, program the computer so that it cannot give up, it cannot conclude that a problem has no solution. Keep in mind, that this is a fail safe, in case the computer becomes sentient and out of control. Then you always have a way of shutting it down by simply feeding it a problem that has no solution, as that will take more and more of its resources to seek a solution, and the calculations will become increasingly complex, until the computer has no more resources to do anything else. Not to say that this is how it would happen, but as an exercise.
Now think of narcissists as people with a bunch of complex problems, and they will keep feeding you their problems as if trying to resolve all of the aches and pains that they cannot resolve themselves. Like 3 year old's that are in constant tantrum mode, and there is no way the parents can understand, or soothe, their needs.
Mainly, narcissists seek love and affection, understanding, admiration (like everyone else), but for them, they completely refuse to let love in, they refuse to grow empathy and compassion, kindness, which means they can never solve their riddle, it is not possible. Their minds become so hard wired with internally focused problem solving networks and connections, that they cannot help themselves but to become super selfish and self-serving, and very negative, very covert, or very grandiose. And they will pull the resources of everyone around them in their search for the solutions to their problems, and everyone around them will now become part of the problems without solutions. Everyone's resources will dwindle as their systems will continuously be focused on the narcissist's problems, which the narcissist refuses to acknowledge. So, imagine a very dysfunctional computer that is connected to a network, and pulling all of the resources of the other computers to solve its own internal issues that keep growing. Then the entire network will become crippled, will crash, because of one bad "apple". Sure, pun intended...
"There's a reason narcissists don't learn from mistakes, and that's because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one..." - Jeffrey Kluger
So, the only solution for anyone around the narcissist, is to conclude that there is no solution, and walk away. Remove themselves from the company of the narcissist, who will always use their resources to solve their own selfish problems, which they refuse to accept as problems. As long as anyone is near the narcissist, they will always pull their resources towards them. So, unplug and seek better and healthier "networks" to belong to. And always keep in mind narcissists look for attention, any type of attention, good or bad. To them, it's all good as long as they know they are relevant to someone, for any reason. Ignoring them is an action, telling them you are okay now so they failed in keeping you in pain is attention you give them, getting angry, spiteful, trying to explain how they hurt you, forgiveness, blame... Nothing works with a narcissist, apart from walking, and staying, away, with peace in your own heart.
People that are not at peace within themselves, cannot accept other people to be at peace. We are seeing this on a global scale, more and more groups of people are doing everything that they can to attack the peace and harmony of those that have it, and the numbers of them are dwindling. Human civilization requires a certain percentage of people who are doing well, to carry the rest for it to survive, we are not doing well in regards to this. The ones at the bottom (most suffering) are increasing and are increasingly attacking everyone around them, without realizing that they are taking the whole world hostage to their suffering, and making matters worse for everyone including themselves. But that is mental illness, like with a narcissist, you hurt yourself more by hurting others, and there is no way out until we isolate the problems and deal with them properly.
Anyway, to cure a narcissist, is to first remove everyone around them, have the narcissist crash under the weight of all the problems that they now have to face alone, hopefully admit to what they see, and seek proper healing, so: Identify, isolate, and heal... Not unlike the treatment for a wounded animal that keeps trying to bite those who would help them.
And eventually, the only way a narcissist will ever come back from that, is if they finally conclude that the problems they face, were in them all along, not in all the people around them. Now, this is for the hardcore narcissist, not to say that all narcissists are the same and that they all need this isolation treatment before they face the person in their mirror. But they are indeed notorious to treat, and as long as there is someone to blame around them, to feed off of without a good wake up call or the loss of all their narcissistic supply, their chances of changing, or healing, are very minimal.
Exclude all other options, and one must finally see the truth for what it is. Even if only one person remains around the narcissist, they might be likely to take all the blame, and that is a deadly prospect, to be the only remaining victim of a narcissist. Or if the narcissist is so stubborn, they might conclude that the whole world is the problem, and become a recluse, as many have. Then becoming the shadow/dark version of the lone wolf, as opposed to the good version of the lone wolf, the one who sets off on their own, on the hero's journey of healing and spiritual growth. Think of Lucifer and how hell bent he is to destroy the whole world, and all the love and humanity in it... So, it is a bit like detoxing for a person addicted to drugs (or alcoholism), they have to be removed from any source of drugs long enough for all the drugs to get out of their bodies, accept their illness, face the pain they have caused, and develop coping strategies and healthier routines, before facing normal life again.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Please try hard not to take anything narcissists do, personally. Get away, yes, but while reflecting back on the tragedy of their relationship, keep this in mind: It is not you, it is them, and by "them", I don't mean them as just another human being, you can't see them as normal every day human beings, sorry. They are like computers, androids, they compute things from very ill functioning programs. They can't care like normal people, they don't love, or have compassion, they calculate situations and arrive at certain conclusions that are always in their favor. They don't understand things from a feeling/emotional perspective, they sort of understand emotional pain, but barely. They are generally clueless for the deep emotional scaring they create. They can understand at a superficial level the pain they cause, but more like a kid not getting his favorite ice cream flavor on a Sunday afternoon, rather that the life altering and debilitating repercussions that their abuse creates.
In a way, narcissists are like self fulfilling prophecies. The more they hurt people, the more they think no one will ever accept them as they are, so the more they do hurtful and deceitful things to get their needs met. Then, the more they think that for sure, no one will ever accept them if they knew the full truth, and the deeper they sink into that hole. Until at some point, they give up on their true self, and accept the false self they have created because the pain becomes too difficult to bear, of how far they have gone down that hole, and face all the pain they have caused. The longer they have people to abuse, the more karma they will need to face for the pain they have caused others, and the harder it will be for them to come back from the darkness. So you are doing both a disservice to them, and yourself, for staying in those relationships.
"When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose..." - Brené Brown
All of what I share about narcissists, is not to drag them down, but to first help people to identify those toxic behaviors in others and themselves, and to help all of us understand that this kind of behavior is very hurtful and detrimental to the future of humanity, and we should stop accepting it. They do need love, narcissists, but they first need help. And regular people are not therapists, and even if they are by career, a friend or partner, or family member, should not put themselves in that situation for someone else who is not seeking help, or take their healing personally. It is not for you to deny your own wellbeing to be a crutch to the narcissist's problems that they refuse to accept, or heal from. A lot of people think "if I just show enough love and care, give the narcissist enough positive reinforcement, at some point it will break them free from their suffering". No, it won't, their problems don't get resolved by external validation or support because they refuse to allow it to sink deep enough to heal those old, and very deep, wounds.
Narcissists will set the highest standards for everyone around them that no one can keep up to, but not for themselves. Never-ending blame, disappointment, rejection, needing to always overcompensate, make up for something, such is life with a narcissist. They hold grudges for decades, they retaliate, they don't forgive, they only play games and pretend, to get you trapped into one endless cycle after the other. Narcissists have no power other than the power they steal from people, just like the devil, and the solution is the same, walk away, and they become powerless to hurt anyone else.
Again, problems without solutions apart from abstinence. If God tells you to do anything but eat the fruit of a certain tree, well, avoid the tree, don't smell it, don't touch it, don't listen to anyone who hang around that tree, don't go look at it, don't even think of it. All of it is poison, and rots the soul.
Narcissists would want the people around them to show them genuine affection, genuine compliments, but it is not possible to be genuine and positive with the narcissist, because even if your conscious mind is not aware of the pain they are causing you, deep down your system knows. And your system cannot allow genuine affection nor love to be given, shared, with someone who is clearly abusive, as your level of authenticity will be keep being diminished. Maybe at first, but as your authenticity and self identity erodes, you will get pulled into playing the same illusory and disingenuous games as the narcissist.
Again, the narcissist is always running after things people cannot provide them; long lasting relief from their suffering. One un-resolvable problem after another, and the deeper it goes, the longer you remain with the narcissist, the more your world will get mixed up with theirs, the more the mental illness will sink deeper into the roots of your mind, and the harder it will be for you to get back to normal when/if you pull away.
"Learning to spot narcissists and deal with their destructive behavior can save you the world of hurt that awaits anyone who mistakes the near enemy for a friend..." - Martha Beck
As long as someone is feeding the narcissist, they will not surrender to seeing themselves as the problem. And to the narcissist, who keeps projecting all of their problems into other people, everyone around them becomes the problem, and they will make certain that everyone around them keep trying to make up to the narcissist, for them being "the problem" in their lives. A very odd, and non-resolvable, riddle. Again, the best thing anyone can do for themselves, and the narcissist, is to walk away. Don't argue, don't fight, don't tell them that they are the problem, just identify the problem for yourself, understand that there is nothing to do, and know that you will only become part of the problem if you stay with them, then walk away with love in your heart, for you, and for them.
And hope that if enough people around them do the same, they might at some point be forced to face reality as it is, and pull out of their world of illusions, and join the rest of us in life, the only place that love can be found. That is what they are looking for anyway, love and acceptance. But their world of illusions cannot contain love, not at all, and until they are willing to leave the bubble, the force field around them that refuses to allow love, they cannot be saved. A narcissist puts a lot of effort into this world of illusions, and they have all sorts of parts for people to play, for people to fill. Their internal world can be very much like the set of a Hollywood movie, them as director, producer, star, and screenwriter. And they will not let go of it easily.
So yes, this is another way you can consider the narcissist, as someone who has constructed a force field around them that is anti-love, that deflects all love from coming in, and creating a whole film set within it, and they are always the hero. And they will try to bring as many people into that bubble as they can to fill in those parts, the mother, the father, the villains, the romantic partner, the bad boss... Then making people believe that is the real world, their love is the real thing, and everything else is false, scary, and not worth even considering. There is no purpose nor meaning to be found in that bubble, all conditions in there prevent such higher states of feelings and emotions, because those things are also a threat to the narcissist, as with joy, healthy community, selflessness, all are forbidden under the rule of the narcissist. Rules which everyone must accept to be included in their "sphere" of influence, a mini hell on Earth, a true horror film when you learn the truth of it.
"Some relationships are like junk food; look appealing and fun for a moment but end up making you feel weighed down and sick. Choose health...” - Shannon Thomas
Keep in mind again that narcissists are very hurt people, and they often seek out other very hurt people to hang around with, but certain types of hurt people, those who very often refuse to hurt anyone else, and that makes the narcissists feel safe. And that is why they test people’s boundaries, to see if they have a tendency to be hurtful, to retaliate, to be mean, vengeful... Some narcissists like to play that game, hurting each other, others avoid it, in the end, it is about knowing where the limits are, and knowing that they can manage it. They are very sad people, emotionally, and they try very hard to cover it up, and they also look for sad, hurt people, that also try to cover it up. Keep that in mind, for empathy, for them and for you. If you found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it is a sign that you both need help, but at the same time, it is very unlikely that you can remain in that relationship and heal from whatever it is you are both hurting from. Remaining with them will most often result in further trauma bonding, blaming, and preventing both of you from facing being alone, a fear you are likely to have in common, which you must face by yourselves while seeking help.
A narcissist can’t allow anyone to have those greater things, which they can’t have themselves as long as they refuse to accept their hurt selves, those things are; love, joy, compassion, meaning, feeling good about yourself, which is why they seek to destroy anything that can support those feelings, including a good career path, good opportunities, healthy and supportive friends…
And, when I say that narcissists are problems without solutions, I don't mean it literally. But, until they themselves choose to heal, to surrender, to take a good look in the mirror and recognize the pain they have caused others and to themselves, and vow to do everything in their power to change for the better and lower their anti-love forcefield, dismantle the film set... They will remain problems without solutions, and so will you for remaining there, as a mere fictional character in their endless plays, changing your role frequently to keep you loveless, confused, and continuously walking on egg shells. Pretty much the opposite of what this next quote aims to inspire with:
“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.." - Tom Bodett
Healing and pulling away from abusive situations and habits, in others and yourself, will help to attract and reveal those three things to you!
To put yourself in the shoes of a narcissist for a while, think of a computer that was programmed to resolve all problems you fed it, and also, program the computer so that it cannot give up, it cannot conclude that a problem has no solution. Keep in mind, that this is a fail safe, in case the computer becomes sentient and out of control. Then you always have a way of shutting it down by simply feeding it a problem that has no solution, as that will take more and more of its resources to seek a solution, and the calculations will become increasingly complex, until the computer has no more resources to do anything else. Not to say that this is how it would happen, but as an exercise.
Now think of narcissists as people with a bunch of complex problems, and they will keep feeding you their problems as if trying to resolve all of the aches and pains that they cannot resolve themselves. Like 3 year old's that are in constant tantrum mode, and there is no way the parents can understand, or soothe, their needs.
Mainly, narcissists seek love and affection, understanding, admiration (like everyone else), but for them, they completely refuse to let love in, they refuse to grow empathy and compassion, kindness, which means they can never solve their riddle, it is not possible. Their minds become so hard wired with internally focused problem solving networks and connections, that they cannot help themselves but to become super selfish and self-serving, and very negative, very covert, or very grandiose. And they will pull the resources of everyone around them in their search for the solutions to their problems, and everyone around them will now become part of the problems without solutions. Everyone's resources will dwindle as their systems will continuously be focused on the narcissist's problems, which the narcissist refuses to acknowledge. So, imagine a very dysfunctional computer that is connected to a network, and pulling all of the resources of the other computers to solve its own internal issues that keep growing. Then the entire network will become crippled, will crash, because of one bad "apple". Sure, pun intended...
"There's a reason narcissists don't learn from mistakes, and that's because they never get past the first step which is admitting that they made one..." - Jeffrey Kluger
So, the only solution for anyone around the narcissist, is to conclude that there is no solution, and walk away. Remove themselves from the company of the narcissist, who will always use their resources to solve their own selfish problems, which they refuse to accept as problems. As long as anyone is near the narcissist, they will always pull their resources towards them. So, unplug and seek better and healthier "networks" to belong to. And always keep in mind narcissists look for attention, any type of attention, good or bad. To them, it's all good as long as they know they are relevant to someone, for any reason. Ignoring them is an action, telling them you are okay now so they failed in keeping you in pain is attention you give them, getting angry, spiteful, trying to explain how they hurt you, forgiveness, blame... Nothing works with a narcissist, apart from walking, and staying, away, with peace in your own heart.
People that are not at peace within themselves, cannot accept other people to be at peace. We are seeing this on a global scale, more and more groups of people are doing everything that they can to attack the peace and harmony of those that have it, and the numbers of them are dwindling. Human civilization requires a certain percentage of people who are doing well, to carry the rest for it to survive, we are not doing well in regards to this. The ones at the bottom (most suffering) are increasing and are increasingly attacking everyone around them, without realizing that they are taking the whole world hostage to their suffering, and making matters worse for everyone including themselves. But that is mental illness, like with a narcissist, you hurt yourself more by hurting others, and there is no way out until we isolate the problems and deal with them properly.
Anyway, to cure a narcissist, is to first remove everyone around them, have the narcissist crash under the weight of all the problems that they now have to face alone, hopefully admit to what they see, and seek proper healing, so: Identify, isolate, and heal... Not unlike the treatment for a wounded animal that keeps trying to bite those who would help them.
And eventually, the only way a narcissist will ever come back from that, is if they finally conclude that the problems they face, were in them all along, not in all the people around them. Now, this is for the hardcore narcissist, not to say that all narcissists are the same and that they all need this isolation treatment before they face the person in their mirror. But they are indeed notorious to treat, and as long as there is someone to blame around them, to feed off of without a good wake up call or the loss of all their narcissistic supply, their chances of changing, or healing, are very minimal.
Exclude all other options, and one must finally see the truth for what it is. Even if only one person remains around the narcissist, they might be likely to take all the blame, and that is a deadly prospect, to be the only remaining victim of a narcissist. Or if the narcissist is so stubborn, they might conclude that the whole world is the problem, and become a recluse, as many have. Then becoming the shadow/dark version of the lone wolf, as opposed to the good version of the lone wolf, the one who sets off on their own, on the hero's journey of healing and spiritual growth. Think of Lucifer and how hell bent he is to destroy the whole world, and all the love and humanity in it... So, it is a bit like detoxing for a person addicted to drugs (or alcoholism), they have to be removed from any source of drugs long enough for all the drugs to get out of their bodies, accept their illness, face the pain they have caused, and develop coping strategies and healthier routines, before facing normal life again.
IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Please try hard not to take anything narcissists do, personally. Get away, yes, but while reflecting back on the tragedy of their relationship, keep this in mind: It is not you, it is them, and by "them", I don't mean them as just another human being, you can't see them as normal every day human beings, sorry. They are like computers, androids, they compute things from very ill functioning programs. They can't care like normal people, they don't love, or have compassion, they calculate situations and arrive at certain conclusions that are always in their favor. They don't understand things from a feeling/emotional perspective, they sort of understand emotional pain, but barely. They are generally clueless for the deep emotional scaring they create. They can understand at a superficial level the pain they cause, but more like a kid not getting his favorite ice cream flavor on a Sunday afternoon, rather that the life altering and debilitating repercussions that their abuse creates.
In a way, narcissists are like self fulfilling prophecies. The more they hurt people, the more they think no one will ever accept them as they are, so the more they do hurtful and deceitful things to get their needs met. Then, the more they think that for sure, no one will ever accept them if they knew the full truth, and the deeper they sink into that hole. Until at some point, they give up on their true self, and accept the false self they have created because the pain becomes too difficult to bear, of how far they have gone down that hole, and face all the pain they have caused. The longer they have people to abuse, the more karma they will need to face for the pain they have caused others, and the harder it will be for them to come back from the darkness. So you are doing both a disservice to them, and yourself, for staying in those relationships.
"When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose..." - Brené Brown
All of what I share about narcissists, is not to drag them down, but to first help people to identify those toxic behaviors in others and themselves, and to help all of us understand that this kind of behavior is very hurtful and detrimental to the future of humanity, and we should stop accepting it. They do need love, narcissists, but they first need help. And regular people are not therapists, and even if they are by career, a friend or partner, or family member, should not put themselves in that situation for someone else who is not seeking help, or take their healing personally. It is not for you to deny your own wellbeing to be a crutch to the narcissist's problems that they refuse to accept, or heal from. A lot of people think "if I just show enough love and care, give the narcissist enough positive reinforcement, at some point it will break them free from their suffering". No, it won't, their problems don't get resolved by external validation or support because they refuse to allow it to sink deep enough to heal those old, and very deep, wounds.
Narcissists will set the highest standards for everyone around them that no one can keep up to, but not for themselves. Never-ending blame, disappointment, rejection, needing to always overcompensate, make up for something, such is life with a narcissist. They hold grudges for decades, they retaliate, they don't forgive, they only play games and pretend, to get you trapped into one endless cycle after the other. Narcissists have no power other than the power they steal from people, just like the devil, and the solution is the same, walk away, and they become powerless to hurt anyone else.
Again, problems without solutions apart from abstinence. If God tells you to do anything but eat the fruit of a certain tree, well, avoid the tree, don't smell it, don't touch it, don't listen to anyone who hang around that tree, don't go look at it, don't even think of it. All of it is poison, and rots the soul.
Narcissists would want the people around them to show them genuine affection, genuine compliments, but it is not possible to be genuine and positive with the narcissist, because even if your conscious mind is not aware of the pain they are causing you, deep down your system knows. And your system cannot allow genuine affection nor love to be given, shared, with someone who is clearly abusive, as your level of authenticity will be keep being diminished. Maybe at first, but as your authenticity and self identity erodes, you will get pulled into playing the same illusory and disingenuous games as the narcissist.
Again, the narcissist is always running after things people cannot provide them; long lasting relief from their suffering. One un-resolvable problem after another, and the deeper it goes, the longer you remain with the narcissist, the more your world will get mixed up with theirs, the more the mental illness will sink deeper into the roots of your mind, and the harder it will be for you to get back to normal when/if you pull away.
"Learning to spot narcissists and deal with their destructive behavior can save you the world of hurt that awaits anyone who mistakes the near enemy for a friend..." - Martha Beck
As long as someone is feeding the narcissist, they will not surrender to seeing themselves as the problem. And to the narcissist, who keeps projecting all of their problems into other people, everyone around them becomes the problem, and they will make certain that everyone around them keep trying to make up to the narcissist, for them being "the problem" in their lives. A very odd, and non-resolvable, riddle. Again, the best thing anyone can do for themselves, and the narcissist, is to walk away. Don't argue, don't fight, don't tell them that they are the problem, just identify the problem for yourself, understand that there is nothing to do, and know that you will only become part of the problem if you stay with them, then walk away with love in your heart, for you, and for them.
And hope that if enough people around them do the same, they might at some point be forced to face reality as it is, and pull out of their world of illusions, and join the rest of us in life, the only place that love can be found. That is what they are looking for anyway, love and acceptance. But their world of illusions cannot contain love, not at all, and until they are willing to leave the bubble, the force field around them that refuses to allow love, they cannot be saved. A narcissist puts a lot of effort into this world of illusions, and they have all sorts of parts for people to play, for people to fill. Their internal world can be very much like the set of a Hollywood movie, them as director, producer, star, and screenwriter. And they will not let go of it easily.
So yes, this is another way you can consider the narcissist, as someone who has constructed a force field around them that is anti-love, that deflects all love from coming in, and creating a whole film set within it, and they are always the hero. And they will try to bring as many people into that bubble as they can to fill in those parts, the mother, the father, the villains, the romantic partner, the bad boss... Then making people believe that is the real world, their love is the real thing, and everything else is false, scary, and not worth even considering. There is no purpose nor meaning to be found in that bubble, all conditions in there prevent such higher states of feelings and emotions, because those things are also a threat to the narcissist, as with joy, healthy community, selflessness, all are forbidden under the rule of the narcissist. Rules which everyone must accept to be included in their "sphere" of influence, a mini hell on Earth, a true horror film when you learn the truth of it.
"Some relationships are like junk food; look appealing and fun for a moment but end up making you feel weighed down and sick. Choose health...” - Shannon Thomas
Keep in mind again that narcissists are very hurt people, and they often seek out other very hurt people to hang around with, but certain types of hurt people, those who very often refuse to hurt anyone else, and that makes the narcissists feel safe. And that is why they test people’s boundaries, to see if they have a tendency to be hurtful, to retaliate, to be mean, vengeful... Some narcissists like to play that game, hurting each other, others avoid it, in the end, it is about knowing where the limits are, and knowing that they can manage it. They are very sad people, emotionally, and they try very hard to cover it up, and they also look for sad, hurt people, that also try to cover it up. Keep that in mind, for empathy, for them and for you. If you found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it is a sign that you both need help, but at the same time, it is very unlikely that you can remain in that relationship and heal from whatever it is you are both hurting from. Remaining with them will most often result in further trauma bonding, blaming, and preventing both of you from facing being alone, a fear you are likely to have in common, which you must face by yourselves while seeking help.
A narcissist can’t allow anyone to have those greater things, which they can’t have themselves as long as they refuse to accept their hurt selves, those things are; love, joy, compassion, meaning, feeling good about yourself, which is why they seek to destroy anything that can support those feelings, including a good career path, good opportunities, healthy and supportive friends…
And, when I say that narcissists are problems without solutions, I don't mean it literally. But, until they themselves choose to heal, to surrender, to take a good look in the mirror and recognize the pain they have caused others and to themselves, and vow to do everything in their power to change for the better and lower their anti-love forcefield, dismantle the film set... They will remain problems without solutions, and so will you for remaining there, as a mere fictional character in their endless plays, changing your role frequently to keep you loveless, confused, and continuously walking on egg shells. Pretty much the opposite of what this next quote aims to inspire with:
“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.." - Tom Bodett
Healing and pulling away from abusive situations and habits, in others and yourself, will help to attract and reveal those three things to you!